Is there anybody out there?

Since I've been laid off, I've been making important phone calls. Like the one to my husband's health insurance company, to see if I've been added to his account. Have you done this type of thing, lately? Try to avoid it, if you can, because this is how it goes:


(pleasant pre-recorded female voice, unusually chipper) "Thank you for calling United against your Health, we really don't Care. If you are calling about a claim, please press 1. If you are calling about benefits, please press 2. All other calls, please stay on the line." (Happy man's voice.) "Para continuar en español, presione por favor el número 1."

I press 2. (prerecorded woman's voice. It sounds as if she's got a cold.) "Thank you for calling United, we could care less about your Health Care. This call may be recorded. Please say your identification ID--"

Huh?

"NOW!"

My identification ID? That doesn't even make sense. Identification identification? Where is that anyway--

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand your response--"

No %#@! That makes two of us--

"Please speak or enter your number, NOW."

Here it is. It really is called an identification ID. Enter, enter, enter, enter, enter--oh, crap! wrong number...

"I'm sorry. I did not understand your response. Please hold for the next available representative."

Does this mean a person will answer? If I had known all I needed to do to get a human being was to make a mistake I would have done it sooner.

....musak....
....musak...
...more musak...

click!

Good! Someone's coming--

(Cheerful male voice.) "Due to unusually heavy call volume, your call may be delayed. Please wait for the next available representative."

...musak...
...musak...
...musak...

Oh, crap. Is that Barry Manilow? I hate this song...

Click!

Someone's coming! Yes! That wasn't too--

(condescending woman's voice) "Thank you for waiting. Your call will be answered in the order it was received."

Click!


...musak...

(20 minutes later)

I can't smile--without--you. Can't something without you. Can't laugh and I can't sing, I'm finding it hard to do anything...

(10 minutes later)

I can't snarl without you. Can't hurl, without you. Can't do crap and I can't have a fling, I'm finding it hard, to do anything...

(2 minutes)

I can't talk--without you, can't solve problems without you. If you only knew--that human contact was important--

Click!

"'Dank yoo for calling United, we're making you need Health Care. My nem is Sabeeb and I can help you. May I have your nem, pleez?"

Hi! Yes. I'm so glad you picked up. Yes! I need some information, please.

"Yes and I can help you. Pleez may I have your identification ID number pleeze?"

Yes, it's number, number, number...

"Yes, very good. Yes, I am zeeing it your account. Pleeze, can you hold the line. Dank you."

Click.
Silence.

Hello?

Dead air...

Hello? Hello???
Is there...anybody...out there?
Is there anybody out there?
Is there anybody out there?
Is there anybody? Out there?

Does anyone else feel alone and isolated? Are there any people left in the world anymore? (Maybe they've all been jobbed out to India?) Help?