A friend of mine was angry with me today. Not undeservedly, I don't think. In fact, I'm glad she expressed her feelings. I'd worried all along that in the course of our relationship she would begin to feel I was taking advantage of her, and she'd always told me she'd let me know if she felt that way.
I'm sorry I wasn't sensitive enough to remedy the situation before she felt the need to tell me about it. But I have a reputation as being dense. Ask my husband, who often tells me: You're insensitive. (He tells me I'm oversensitive, too. Which makes me wonder if that means I cancel myself out?)
I also have a reputation of being stubborn. "You're stubborn! You never listen to anything anyone ever tells you!", my mother in law tells me.
My sisters tell me: "You're over-emotional!"
I've also been told: you're not assertive enough, you're wishy-washy, you don't pay attention, you don't think about yourself enough, you think about yourself too much--in short: You're too too and You're not enough.
It's a tough load to carry; mostly because I'm not sure which way I'm supposed to go. I can't please everyone (but I've been told I'm not supposed to) yet I've been told: you're selfish. So that means...I shouldn't try to please everyone yet...I'm not supposed to please myself, either?
No, wait. I'm supposed to please myself and then everyone else will be pleased. Except those who won't be pleased because I've pleased myself.
Perhaps the problem is that, as I've been told: "You're too one way or the other. There's no middle ground for you." I've also been told that I should be single-minded of opinions and feelings.
In reality, I'd like to tell everyone to take a long hike, and keep their opinions of how I should be/act/express myself/be a human being to themselves. But then, you see, I'd be too emotional/confrontational/bitchy. So I keep quiet and let people tell me I'm too unassertive/submissive/weak.
Besides, if I say anything, my mother will only tell me I'm making excuses.
No wonder I'm depressed.
Anyhow, I'm sorry I upset my friend, and I'm sorry I make her feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. I wish I could do things the way she suggests, but to do that means I have to not run my life the way other people want or suggest and then they'll be mad at me, too. I'm not perfect (though the people in my life seem to think I have the potential to be) and even if I was perfect, people wouldn't be happy with me. Because then I'd be too too and that's too much. (Yet still, never enough.)
Either way, I can't win. I can only feel confused.
*I'm sorry if I've upset anyone with the contents of today's blog but I'm not supposed to be worried about what anyone thinks. In other words, I'm sorry I'm being insensitive. I'm also sorry for being sensitive. Oh, and I'm sorry for being sorry about being sorry for being sorry. Sorry.
2 comments:
It's tough to be your own person and do things the way you want. Even with all the confusing comments - I'm sure your family and friends accept you for who you are.
I get the "too sensitive" from the dh too. And the "not sensitive enough". I am also told I have too many rules. I don't know what the rules are (and when I asked, neither did he!) but apparently, there are too many of them.
Thanks for your "rant". Good to know I'm not alone!
Post a Comment